Today's Lesson: Always Chew Your Food

© shoutingforha

My cell phone rang on Sunday afternoon and the boy took it upon himself to answer it.  He was silent for the entire call, other than saying, "OK," before he hung up and went back to watching extreme BMX stunts on TV.  When I asked him who called, the boy casually replied, "Oh, just some man.  He said that Grandma choked on some chicken and is at the ER."

My initial response was, "What?!"  Sensing my confusion, the boy countered back with, "I thought it was a telemarketer at first.  Then he mentioned something about Grandma choking."  I think I might have shouted, "What?!" a few more times after that.

Once I came to my senses, I snatched the phone out of the boy's hand and dialed the last number that called my phone.  It was one of my mom's oldest friends.  He gave me a quick run-down of what had happened and assured me that my mom was just fine.  His wife had taken mom to the hospital as a precaution.  I thanked him for calling and hung up the phone. 

I relayed the information to my hubby and then, as if on cue, we both burst out laughing.  Our outburst was due, in part, to our incredible relief that my mom wasn't dying.  But if I'm being honest, we were really laughing because of our boy's insane response to the call.  It was so ridiculous that all we could do was laugh until our sides ached.

I told the hubby that the whole thing reminded me of another incident, eight years ago, when my mom nearly choked to death at our dining room table.  Here's the story...

My mom had journeyed to Tennessee for a visit and we were enjoying a meal together.  I was turned towards the boy who was just a little tyke at the time and was seated in his high chair.  As a result, I didn't notice that everyone had become silent and that my mom had suddenly raised her arms up into the air as if she was being held at gunpoint.

My hubby, who was unfamiliar with my mom's "I'm choking" signal, asked, "Mom, are you OK?"  Silence.  "Mom, are you choking?"  No answer. 

At this point I turned, glanced at my mom and immediately recognized that she was indeed choking.  My hubby sprung from his chair, yanked my mom to a standing position and began to repeatedly do the Heimlich maneuver in an effort to dislodge the blockage from her throat.  After what seemed like forever, he shouted for me to dial 911 and gave it one last try.  

Before I could even get up from my chair, a GIANT piece of broccoli shot out of her mouth and across the dining room. Needless to say, we were all pretty shaken.  My mom's ribs were bruised for weeks as a result of my hubby's efforts.  

After we had all calmed down, the hubby confided that when he couldn't dislodge the food, he began to get really worried that my mom was going to die right there in our dining room.  Thankfully, that didn't happen.  Hours later, we were even able to joke around about how on earth a grown woman didn't know the universal choking sign.  You know I love you mom.

Back to Sunday's events...

Like we had eight years before, the hubby and I breathed a huge sigh of relief that everything turned out OK.  But lets be honest, we weren't going to let a little thing like my mom nearly choking to death again spoil a perfectly good opportunity to tease her mercilessly. 

My hubby, who is the king of leaving crazy voice mail messages, called my mom posing as a representative from the "Chicken Farmers of America."  He had heard how much she loved chicken and wanted to offer some money-saving coupons so she could enjoy more of the tasty stuff.  

When my mom finally returned his call about an hour later, I answered, "Pre-Chewed Food Incorporated, where we deliver fresh, pre-chewed meals to your door daily."  My mom, who has a good sense of humor, started laughing. 

I am sure the boy will be dishing it back to me in spades one day, but if you can't make fun of your mom, really, who can you make fun of?

Now, let this be a lesson to you all, dear readers.  Chew your food!