Several weeks ago, my friend Gretchen over at Lifenut posted her own State of the Family Address. At her suggestion, I decided to write one of my own.
The Department of Transportation: We currently own two
vehicles: A GMC Suburban known as The White Whale and a Subaru Outback wagon which the boy affectionately calls The Green Booger. Both vehicles have relatively low mileage and are in good working order, although it is likely that at least one will need new tires in the second quarter. During the summer months, the boy relies on his bicycle as his primary mode of transportation. An ample supply of tire tubes need to be purchased to replace the ones that he will pop while racing down various wilderness trails. Additional funding will be required.
The Department of Health and Human Services: Our family enjoyed a year of exceptionally good health. The strep throat and pneumonia that have regularly plagued our winter months were no where to be found and it has been several years since anyone has needed stitches or had a broken bone. That said, spring is right around the corner and the warmer temperatures are sure to spawn a new crop of poison ivy and chiggers, to which I am highly susceptible. Not to mention the orthodontic devices that will be in my son's future should his remaining baby finally teeth decide to leave his mouth. Additional funding will be required.
The Department of Homeland Security: Don't be fooled by our beastly dog Brick's big bark and intimidating appearance. The toxic fumes of his breath are his most dangerous weapon. A travel advisory has been issued for our home due to an increased risk of attack from an eleven-year-old boy with an arsenal of Nerf, BB and airsoft guns. Additional funding will be required.
The Department of Energy: Waking before dawn to get ready for middle school has greatly depleted our resources this year. A 12-cup Bialetti Stovetop Espresso Maker was procured for daily use as we are surviving on copious amounts of coffee and the occasional nap. Additional funding will be required.
The Department of Labor: The boy has been somewhat unhappy with his positions as Middle School Student, and Chief Bedroom Cleaner. All requests to transfer to another department have been denied. Despite his complaints, the boy has applied for an additional position with the Bureau of Land Management as the One Acre Lawn Mower. If he is hired, a new push mower will need to be purchased. Additional funding will be required.
The Treasury Department: Our expenditures have remained exceptionally low in every department with just two exceptions. The Food and Drug Administration's spending has skyrocketed due to the voracious appetite of a certain redheaded boy who eats as much as ten men. The Department of Agriculture is considering planting a garden to offset some of this expense. The Department of Trade has been especially taxed in its effort to maintain a steady flow of goods from overseas. Specifically, textiles in the form of clothing. The boy has outgrown two entire sets of clothing in the past calendar year while the hubby's waistline has been shrinking dramatically. Additional funding will be required.
The Department of Defense: The fence that encircles the back yard was erected during the previous fiscal year and is still in excellent condition. The front yard, however, is a different story. The hubby has noted that neighbors are able to view our home as they walk or drive down the street. Additional trees and shrubbery will need to be procured to cloak our home in a shroud of privacy. Additional funding will be required.
The State Department: We enjoyed several trips to other states over the past year. It is possible that travel abroad or an extended road trip across the United States might be required in the coming months. Additional funding will be required.